Struggling with the past

I’ve been self-sabotaging a lot recently.

When I was growing up, instead of giving credit when credit is due, my parents kept belittling me, and telling me “you can’t do this”or”you’re not smart enough”. And I f***ing believed it, and internalized it. I didn’t have a choice, did I? I was just a kid.

Now even I can make my choice, the mocking voice is still there. I delibrately don’t do well, because based on my past experience, no matter how good I do, I’m not doing well, so I’d better just do nothing.

I know their opinions don’t count. I know that I have free will to make all kinds of choices. But the effect the past has on me now is still unbelivable.

I’ve read all about it. Now I have to make changes, step by step. It’s painful, but I have to do it. It’s MY choice this time.

Peace and love.

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